


I love you (back)

by edgeoflights



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Gen, Minor Phil Coulson/Melinda May, POV Skye | Daisy Johnson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27517051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edgeoflights/pseuds/edgeoflights
Summary: "My name is Daisy Johnson. This is my goodbye."
Relationships: Alya Fitz & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Phil Coulson & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson/Melinda May, Skye | Daisy Johnson/Daniel Sousa
Comments: 28
Kudos: 76





	I love you (back)

**Author's Note:**

> See end notes for TW, be mindful- they contain spoilers.

“My name is Daisy Johnson. Four- wait, five years ago- wait- jeez, that's been a long time. _Seven_ years ago I met Melinda May. Seven years ago I met Phil Coulson, and seven years ago my life actually started. Twenty-three. I was twenty-three with no place in the world. I had nobody in my corner and I was alone; I really was. I would tell myself that I was okay with it but I wasn't. I was scared. Then, well it started with Coulson. I met him and I think he was the first person that ever thought I could be something- and he was right. He was right. Because of him I became something and, well, I say that a lot. My friends, they know I say that a lot; that he was the only reason that I joined Shield, that I stayed in shield, and eventually it was more than just him but it started with him. Somehow I always leave out that the other reason I stayed in Shield was May. May was different than Coulson. I think she- she was different. She still loved but in a way, even deeper. So deeply that she was scared of her own love, scared of what it meant. She told me one time that knowing me; it was the first time in a long while that she actually truly felt something other than pain. Yeah. And May doesn’t exaggerate. I don't think she ever told me why- why me, why she chose to to teach me. To care about me. 

"And now I'll never know.

"Mel, you taught me not to run from my feelings; from my past; from my fears, but to use all of that pain to make the world a better place. You taught me that that despite everything, I could still love- and be loved. I could still be worth something.

"Remember back when- damn, back in 2016? Around the time we were dealing with HIVE. After Lash- after Andrew saved me but before we defeated HIVE. I have just the most vivid memory of being in the containment module, and you're outside, and you're trying to explain to me that I can’t push people away. Not like you did after Manama. 

"And you were going to say it, you were- I know you were. You were going to say you loved me. 

"That's what was running through your head. I could see it in your eyes, even when I was as much of a mess of broken shards as I was back then. I could see that you still loved me despite everything, and you were going to say it. You were going to make it real. 

"It was already real, but you were going to make it- tangible, I guess. But then you got hit in the head, and Fitz was kind of badass and then it took 5 more years for one of us to say I love you to the other.

"I heard you said it to Coulson first, before he died. (The second time). No hard feelings. Honestly, I should have said it. I should have said it so many times, but I didn't and you didn't and five years later Coulson was a robot, Mack was director, Fitz and Jemma had a daughter and I had a boyfriend- and we still hadn’t told each other. 

"It had turned into this sort of unspoken thing where we *knew* but we never said it out loud.

"Until you did.

"It was the day before I went to space. I was ready to leave. I had my bags packed and Kora was already on the ship, but you were running late because you had a class- Shield history- and I thought I wouldn’t see you for a year. I thought I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to you before I left to go to space for a year. 

"I waited as long as I could but still you weren't in the hangar yet and I got it, I did. I mean, you had class. You had an awesome new job at Coulson Academy- I still cannot believe we named it that- so you were late but I was boarding the ship, and then there you were behind me. 

"And you said- you said, ‘Bye, Daisy. I'll see you in a year. Take care of your sister.”

"So I ran back and I hugged you tight. You whispered to me, ‘Be safe, I'm proud of you, and I love you.’ And then I had to go. I didn't say I love you back.

"I never got to say I loved you back.

"Space was fun. It was. I think you would have liked it. I know you said you were done with missions, but there was this one planet- it had fiery lava instead of oceans. It was actually pretty gorgeous, I took pictures for you. You never got to see them, but.

"I didn't know. I was in the middle of a different galaxy and I didn't know. I was oblivious and painfully happy. I didn't even think about you that much, you know. I mean, I thought about you because I missed you, but I- I didn't constantly think that I was- I wasn't going to see you again or something. I wasn't worried.

"More than a couple of times, Kora and I guessed if you and Phil got together while we were gone. I always bet that you did, she bet that you wouldn't- but I've known you for longer so I'm not surprised I was right.

"Kind of right.

"I didn't know, May. I wish I did. I wish I would have been able to come back and spend time with you. Tell you that I love you back.

"I do love you back, I do. Everyone told me that you knew, just like I knew you loved me, but I never got to say it back and for that I'm so, so sorry.

"You’d be upset if you knew I was apologizing.

"Sorry.

"Nobody met us at the hangar. There were a couple of agents, but it was- it was strange how nobody was there. not Mack, not Coulson, not Yoyo or Piper… Nobody. It was quiet in the hangar. 

"The type of quiet that sits heavy and enters your lungs and you know, you just *know*.

"And then Simmons, who was supposed to be in Scotland, walked into the hangar.

"And she looked like she hadn’t smiled in months.

"I remember thinking that.

"I was right.

"Her face, it- it was cold. Like marble, chiseled with tears. And she tried to look welcoming, you could tell, but she was failing. She looked like she was welcoming home her worst fear. And, sorry, Jem, but you have never been a very good liar.

"I could’ve been there for you, Mel. I wish I had decided to hold off on going to space. I mean you were diagnosed three weeks after I left, only three weeks. If I had waited a month, I would have known, and I would have stayed with you.

"You were so _small_.

"I remember thinking that, muttering it under my breath and waiting for you to indignantly retort, but you never did.

"You never spoke once when I came back.

"I don’t think you could hear me, either.

"You were in the bed, in the hospital bed and attached to an insane amount of tubes and I couldn't help but think that you always hated being tied down. You- fuck, you _hated_ being tied down to anything.

"That’s when I couldn’t. I just couldn’t anymore.

"I mean, you couldn't even leave your bed by yourself, in the end. Coulson helped you with everything… 

"Sorry. I'm getting off track. This is a eulogy, not the story of how you looked before you died. 

"Because you died, May. You died first, which was, you know, if it was anybody to have died first we all guessed it would have been- well, not you. 

"And, fuck, why was it you, May? After everything we’ve been through. After the literal hell you’ve defeated- it was- it was simply dying cells. Dying cells, the one enemy you couldn’t beat. Yourself.

"We’re not here to remember who you were after you deteriorated and you were- you were-

"One second, I need a- just a second...

"I'm- I'm here to talk about how amazing you were.

"How kind, and strong, and- we all know it- gorgeous you always were. The very first time I came onto the bus with a sack over my head, we kind of didn't get off on the right start. You didn't want me there and, well, I didn't think you wanted me there. Somehow, I don’t think we ever could’ve guessed, but you became my SO, and then eventually my mother. I don’t know when it happened, I can just say with absolute certainty that it did.

"Remember the time- the only time- we babysat Alya together? It was for like four hours, right after we saved the timeline and all that. Before I left. And you started teasing me- yes Melinda May, teasing- about having a baby. 

"You told me that you would spoil my kid, that you would love them and cherish them. You were just being ridiculously sappy. (I think it was because Alya was watching some sort of love movie and you were hugging her but I know it was coming from you.) 

"And I- I wish I had been able to tell you but you didn't hear me. In the end, I did tell you, holding your hand and whispering it into your ear, but you still didn't know. 

"Six months. I’m six months along. 

"You can see my belly quite clearly and Alya likes to poke it. I like to think that you, Mel, are somewhere out there. Looking after the baby, looking after me and Daniel. 

"I never got to tell you that I gave Kora my leather jacket for my birthday, the same jacket you gave me a couple of years ago. I never got to tell you that one day I want my kid to wear it. I never got to tell you about how I stayed up until three in the morning waiting for that goddamn pregnancy test and I was surprised we even had a pregnancy test but one of the agents had an unexpired one. And I never got to tell you how loud I screamed whenever I found out. I never got to tell you that the baby was a girl. 

"I never got to tell you that her name was Mei.

"Mei Calliope Johnson-Sousa.

"I hope you know. However this world works, however a higher power- or the lack of it- works, I hope that somehow you know you have a granddaughter. 

"She's going to grow up learning about her amazing ninja grandma May. I'm going to tell her all of the stories about you, even the really embarrassing ones that you made me promise to never tell a soul. I'm going to tell her about how you loved deeper than any of us. I'm going to tell her who she was named after, and I'm going to tell her that if you could, you would have visited her all the time and you would have babysat her and spoiled her and loved her.

"Sorry, I'm getting off topic again. Actually- no, I’m not. I’m giving a eulogy about my mother and I will ramble a little but that’s okay.

"I guess I just have to say that Melinda May was a true hero. She didn't have powers, not for the most part at least, but she could always kick ass- sorry, pardon my french, Alya. 

"She was strong and a pillar for all of us ducklings- and by that I mean Fitz and Jemma and I. We used to have this inside joke that we never told May; that we were her ducklings and we would follow her around everywhere and she would begrudgingly let us.

"Actually, Coulson is mouthing that she knew.

"Of course she knew, she knew everything. Except for the fact that Coulson loved her. Somehow she missed that fact for about thirty years.

"I love you, May. I love you back, I love you a million times over, I love you. And I wish I had been able to tell you when you were alive.

"I, uh, actually had a written eulogy prepared for today, but then I got up here and the coffin was in front of me and my family was in front of me and May… wasn't. 

"And I realized that no meticulously prepared speech was going to explain how I felt. I don't even think me rambling to all of you for what- 10 minutes already?- is going to explain. It's one of those things that was more than words. She was my mother, I was her daughter and she meant everything to me.

"May meant everything to me. And now, I guess this- this is goodbye.

"I'm saying good... I'm sorry, I have to go, I can't do this.

"I can’t do this."

**Author's Note:**

> TW: cancer mention, major character death referenced


End file.
